Self Defence Begins With the Self: Rethinking “Respect Your Elders.”

When I was growing up, one of the most common lessons parents gave their kids was: “Respect your elders.”

On the surface, it sounds good. After all, being polite and kind are important values. But after teaching violence prevention for more than 30 years, I’ve come to see how dangerous that phrase can be.

The problem is that many children start to believe adults always deserve respect, without question. This opens the door for people with bad intentions to manipulate children, and it diminishes a child’s trust in their own intuition and feelings.

The Hug Problem

Picture this: a family member—maybe an uncle—asks a child for a hug. The child pulls back or says no. But instead of supporting their child, the parent steps in:

“Go on, don’t be rude.”
“Give Uncle a hug.”

Here’s the real danger: when parents push a child to please others, they put reputation above their child’s right to say no. Often, this comes from a fear of embarrassment. Parents want their children seen as polite, but in forcing affection, they’re teaching something far worse— that a child’s “no” isn’t important.

A child’s voice should never be silenced to protect an adult’s reputation.

My Own Family

I don’t recall my parents ever forcing me into hugs. At the same time, I don’t remember any open conversations about boundaries either.

Now, as a grandfather of three, I’ve made this part of my regular talks with them. Sometimes, when I ask for a hug, they run over with big smiles. Other times, they say, “No.” And every time, I respect that answer. I never push or make them feel guilty.

Because sure, I might get the hug if I pressured them—but at what cost? They’d be learning that comfort doesn’t matter, and that politeness means ignoring their own feelings. That’s the exact opposite of what prepares them for the real world.

The Hard Truth

The sad truth is that in many cases of abuse, the harm comes from people who are supposed to love and protect children. If kids are taught to obey without question—or to “respect their elders” no matter what—they never learn another way.

That’s why it’s so important that parents, teachers, and other trusted adults create safe spaces where kids can learn about boundaries, respect, and saying no. Even a short conversation can make a lasting difference.

A Better Lesson: Respect Their “No”

Instead of “Respect your elders,” perhaps we should be teaching:

“If your child says no, respect it. Forcing them to go against their feelings only teaches them their voice doesn’t matter.”

Kids need to know that their voice matters, their “no” matters, and that respect should go both ways—regardless of a person’s age or title.

Final Thoughts

After more than 30 years of teaching violence prevention, I can tell you this: preparing kids to speak up, trust their instincts, and know their boundaries is one of the greatest gifts we can give them.

That’s also why our SAFE Self Defence Certification focuses on more than just physical skills. We teach prevention and awareness, so instructors can help kids, teens, and adults build confidence and protection that lasts a lifetime.